WANTED

It’s a venerable custom, the practice of arranged marriage.

I’ve come to believe it is the only way go. Time’s a wasting. My little BAP is dragging her feet. I need me a son-in-law. Therefore, I have decided to arrange a marriage for my daughter.

They say if you want to know what the daughter will look like in twenty years take a gander at her mom. If you subscribe to that theory, you should keep in mind that while I’m exceedingly cute my daughter is downright beautiful. Given my scintillating repartee herein it’s obvious I’m intelligent, however my daughter is brilliant. But we’re trying to find a son-in-law here not a husband, so enough about her.

Prospective son-in-laws this is what I’m seeking. You must:

• Love to lunch with middle aged women and insist on picking up the tab
• Be a book nerd
• Cook like Emeril and clean-up afterwards
• Be kind, generous and caring
• Lobby for the return of Arrested Development to network TV
• Know Dave Chappelle personally and be willing to introduce us
• Be astounded that I’m 58-years-old
• Dance like Emmett Smith
• Have a passion for the board game Taboo
• Discover a cure for cancer

If you are a prospective son-in-law and believe you meet these qualifications, please send me a picture of your dad.