Monkeys, Puppies, and Pocketbooks

Three girls suspended from school for uttering the V-word. VAGINA. Come on, now.

When my friend, Em, told me about this, my first thought was this must be another of those urban legends. You know, like the one that claims a certain fried chicken place puts a male contraceptive in its batter to keep the black birth rate down.

But, no, I looked it up myself. The Onion didn’t make this one up. It really happened. Three sixteen year-old-girls participating in a literary forum at John Jay High School in New York state read a passage from "The Vagina Monologues" and actually used that most powerful word.


Incensed, my friend Em demanded, "What were the girls suppose to call it, my thing-a-ma-gig, my good girl, the mysterious delta of my love, or sing-song it like Mary Poppins-- one of my boyfriend's favorite things?"

We didn’t have that problem when I was a wee thing in Tucker, Arkansas. Well-raised, little, Negro children knew boys peed from their puppies, girls from their monkeys, and their mama’s had a big ole pocket book to do whatever she had to do.

Get some burqas for those girls, and send them down to Tucker to spend some time with my kinfolk.

Joe--I Know You're Not A Racist

Joe, isn't it funny how good intentions can go so far awry?

I feel for you, Sweetie. Really, I do. If the Bush Baby can actually be president, you can at least run for the seat. Don't listen to your detracters. Run, Joe. Run your hardest.

Obama is clean. I know what you meant. You been boning up on Negro Speak, haven't you. You read Clarence Major's, Juba to Jive: A Book of African American slang, cover to cover, didn't you? You know what a lot of people don't--You know that when you referred to Obama as "clean" you meant he dresses with impeccable taste, he has a certain sartorial flair.

Joe, your campaign needs me. Hire me as your consultant. I'll explain things like this to the public. I'll help you stay the rhetorical straight and narrow. I can guarantee the Air Mom vote. Have your people call my people. Okay?

Words are my livelihood, Joe. They're my best friends. I play with them, build with them. If you want to compliment me, don't call me articulate, Sweetie. Call me brilliant.